Rebuild The Honesty and Trust

"I can not trust my spouse at all any more."

Is this how you feel ? Was your trust betrayed on such a deep level you can not see yourself ever again trusting him or her. How can you trust someone who has systematically lied to you ?

Questioning the trust is indeed a healthy approach. Sometimes it is safer if you never trusted your spouse again. If you have been cheated and lied to repeatedly and if your spouse continues to betray and manipulate you , it might be time to ask yourself some hard questions about the future of your marriage.

This is however not the case for most people who seek counseling. The majority of people just need an action plan to rebuild the honesty and trust

Let us look at some tools that can help you to do this.

1.The 7 forms of trust and their impact on your marriage.

2.Becoming transparent.

3.Building a fence around your marriage.

You may find the first step hard to believe. It is this : You still trust your spouse even in these dark times. It is this trust that can be used to rebuild the marriage if you use it correctly.

Trust is neither a black and white issue nor is it an all or nothing event. Almost everyone (even those who suffered due to an affair) will find that they still trust their spouse in some ways. There are two reasons why this is important.

First of all, it enables you to understand that you don't have to write off your partner totally. Yes, your spouse did cheat and will have to make amends before the marriage can be healed but is probably not a completely evil person. You may be reluctant to admit it but your spouse is probably still trustworthy in some areas.

This brings us to the second point. Knowing that you can still trust your spouse in some ways will give you an idea as to how to rebuild the honesty in areas where the trust has become questionable. This will help you to identify the real problem areas in your marriage.

The 7 forms of trust and their impact on your marriage.


If your spouse had an affair then they have broken this vow. There is no doubt that infidelity destroys trust.

2.Physical Safety. 

This is a form of trust that you engage in constantly without even noticing it.

3.Financial Security.

This can be an issue even in a healthy marriage. You may never consider this to be an issue until you start to question your trust in your partner financially.


The trust that you put into your partner to care for your children is very powerful. This can be instrumental in helping you to realize that there are areas in which trust still exists.


This relates to basic honesty. The candid and open communication between partners. Because this is such a fundamental form of trust, it can be quite detrimental to a marriage. Most couples would never have imagined that this can happen in their relationship.

6.Emotional Predictability.

Most couples have some incling about how their partner will react in most circumstances. You will expect your partner to behave in a certain manner that would be in line with your knowledge of his or her behaviour. If you trust your partner in this domain you will know that any response/action to an issue would not be outrageous.


Two aspects are very relevant:

The trust you put in your partner to keep private matters private and trusting your partner not to make fun of you both in private and in public.

You will probably experience a lack of trust in some of these domains. It is however unlikely that you can not trust your partner at all in any of these domains. You would never have fallen in love in the first place if there was no trust.

Having some trust left in your spouse at least makes you realize that he or she is not ALL bad and is the first step on your journey to rebuild the honesty and trust.









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