How To Forgive Your Spouse ?

You want to take the steps necessary to move past the terrible pain and build a living relationship once more but you find it difficult to forgive your spouse. Maybe you are even past the acceptance stage but one thing is still holding you back - what if your spouse betrays you again ? How do you forgive your spouse when there is a possibility that he or she will do so again.

You want rock-solid proof. You want the assurance that it will never happen again before you are willing to forgive. I wish that I can provide you with a way in which to obtain such an assurance but no one can. Every person is responsible for their own actions. You can not make personal choices for another person, let alone control their actions. This means that there is always some chance of a repeated betrayal.  

What makes it even more difficult is that most people are not very good at identifying lies. Studies have shown that even people who are supposed to be very good at this like the police, judges and even psychologists are generally no better at it than the flip of a coin. How can you possibly forgive your spouse and move on if this is the case.

Experience has shown that there is a way - you have to move forward towards forgiveness but also accept the reality that your spouse might cheat again. This sounds like a contradiction - let me explain.

The possibility to get hurt is always there and is the risk that we are willing to take when we care about people. The real question is this - what is the probability that your spouse will cheat again ? In order to determine this you will have to observe the actions your spouse takes to reassure you :

1. Does your spouse understand your pain ? 

The best indication that your spouse is re-connecting with you, is his or her reaction towards your pain. When you discuss this with your partner , you would like to feel that your partner really understands what he or she did. Your partner should accept responsibility without excuses and should also feel the appropriate level of guilt. They must also seem to be committed to bring about the necessary changes to insure their behaviour won't be repeated. 

2. Transgression.

Some behaviour problems are always likely to be repeated. For example , someone who has been known to drink when under pressure will probably do it again when faced with difficulties. This means that if there is already a history, it will increase the probability.

3. Creatures of habit.

This means that a person who regularly cheats will probably do so again. This does not mean that all hope is lost. It merely implies that there are more work to be done by your spouse. The amount of work/effort that your spouse is willing to do, is a good indication of his or her commitment.

4. You also have to work on the relationship.

It is possible that you will be able to identify actions/inactions that may have contributed to problems within your marriage. Regardless of your partner's betrayal, you may be able to identify areas that you could have done better in your marriage. This does not mean that the affair was your fault. You did not break the wedding wow.

If you also take some action to repair your part of the marriage it can only contribute to its success. This does not mean that everything is okay and that your spouse was not in the wrong. It only means that you are willing to accept what happened and you want to move on.

It will however be extremely difficult to move on if you can not forgive your spouse. Remember that this forgiveness does not imply in any way that you are okay with the betrayal, but it is a starting point for you to enable yourself to move on and to save your marriage.